Moony's Secret
by Louise North
Summary: Sirius and Remus are having difficulty coming to terms with how they feel about each other and worried about their friendship. RemusSirius slash. My first fic so please let me know how I'm doing!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 

Remus lay in his bed dreaming, it was a good dream too. He was running through the forbidden forest as a wolf, his friends happily running with him, growling and snapping. He felt more in control than usual, he had a wolf's body but somehow he was still himself. He turned to look at the great black dog running alongside him and found him looking into Sirius's stormy grey eyes instead. He looked down at his body and found he was back in human form as well. But where were James and Peter? Suddenly he didn't care because Sirius was smiling above him and Sirius's strong arms circled his waist and Sirius was leaning towards him and...

"Moony...Moony. Remus! Remus, please wake up"

Someone was whispering in his ear, wrenching him away from his perfect dream, he squeezed his eyes more tightly closed, clinging to the dream desperately as it slipped away. Behind his closed eyes he saw Sirius, always Sirius. Sirius turning round to grin mischievously at him in a lesson, his hair flopping elegantly over his eyes, Sirius smiling as he came out of the shower, a towel wrapped loosely around his slim hips. It was as though the boy's image was etched onto the backs of his eyelids. He squeezed his eyes tighter shut half willing the tantalizing images to dissolve and leave him alone, half longing to see more.

But it was too late. The dream was gone, he groaned as he hated himself for still have those dreams. He tried so hard not to think about Sirius, he had stopped looking at him. But Sirius forced his way into Remus's brain still, and he could hardly bear it. What would Sirius say if he knew? He would be disgusted, call Remus a freak. Remus felt the same way, he disgusted himself, he was a freak.

And still the relentless whispering. Hot breath tickling his ear, someone's hair on his cheek. He groaned as he finally gave up on being left to his thoughts and rolled over. And there was Sirius, his expression apologetic, his grey eyes staring into Remus's brown ones. Their faces mere inched apart, Remus drew a sharp breath in at this sudden closeness. If either of them moved, even a fraction, their lips would meet.

"Can I come in?"

Remus's eyes grew wide, sleep next to Sirius? He longed for and dreaded it in equal measures. He forced out a strangled "What, why?"

"James has hexed my bed sheets, they keep tickling me." Sirius replied, smiling humorlessly.

Remus sighed and shifted over as Sirius pushed aside the draped hangings on his bed and crawled under the sheets, his hand brushed Remus's leg as he wriggled around, adjusting the blankets and Remus felt electricity shoot through his body. He held his breath, he could feel the heat coming from Sirius's body, see his bare shoulders moving as he breathed deeply. Remus bit his lip and turned away from Sirius to face the wall. As he moved he thought he saw a hurt expression touch Sirius's face for a moment, but it was gone as soon as he looked back. The two boys lay next to each other for a few more moments, neither daring to move, not wanting another accidental touch that so appalled and delighted them. Remus heard Sirius breathe in deeply and then he turned over, now Remus could feel Sirius's hard, muscled chest against his back and his hot breath against the back of his neck, making his hair stand on end, his arm was slung across Remus's waist.

"Moony," he whispered softly into Remus's shoulder.

Remus ignored him, squeezing his eyes tight shut and clenching his jaw. Willing himself not to give into Sirius's teasing. For that was all it could be, teasing. He didn't dare to think it could be anything else.

"Moony, stop trying to block me out. What's going on with you?"

Sirius touched his neck gently, his fingers just skimming Remus's soft, pale skin, tracing meaningless patterns across his shoulder. Remus shuddered, with pleasure or repulsion, he couldn't tell. He tried to say something but his tongue seemed stuck to the roof of his mouth, he strained to say "Stop, please Sirius"

At his words Sirius's fingers fluttered and he drew his hand quickly away from Remus's face but it was though the path his fingers had traced were still burning from the heat of his hand, etched into his skin forever. Remus turned towards Sirius and lay on his back. Sirius was propped up on his elbow next to him, a dark curl falling into his eyes. Remus's eyes were searching Sirius's face, for what he didn't know. The dark haired boy's expression was hurt, not the pouty, joking face he put on when James made fun of him, or when a teacher told him off. This was something raw and real and utterly sincere.

It made Remus's heart break to see him like that and to know that he was the cause of it. He reached out to Sirius, hoping that he could put enough meaning and feeling into one touch to make Sirius understand, each fingertip spelling out the words he could not say. Their eyes connected in a look that was full of fear and questions and Sirius turned away with a gruff "G'night then" and although his breathing quickly became deep and slow Remus knew neither of them would sleep that night.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Sirius felt a tight clenching in his stomach as he realized how close he had come to losing the strict control he forced on himself when around Remus. He could recall exactly how soft Remus's skin had felt under his fingertips, even with the smallest area of skin possible in contact Sirius had still felt electricity surge through his body and fill him with the desire to be covering every patch of Moony's skin, press himself against him until their bodies fused. The force of the restraint he had to exercise was so strong it hurt, he felt bruised by being so close and yet holding himself back, so much further back than he wanted to be.

He tried to think back to a time when he didn't know the furrow in Remus's brow when he thought or the arch of his lips off by heart. The memory a few carefree days, out by the lake, laughing in the common room, flicked through his mind but the only thing that stood out in them was Remus, Remus reading, Remus laughing, Remus breathing, the rest or the scenes were blurred, insignificant details. They had been close back then, not in the same easy way he and James were close, but Remus _noticed. _He could interpret Sirius's little quirks, a jerk of the head, fiddling with the hem of his robes, chewing a nail. Remus knew, without Sirius ever having to say anything, when Sirius was upset or angry, or nervous and he always knew how to make it better. When Sirius had come back after _that_ Christmas he had told them all he didn't care, hated his family, was well shot of them, would have left anyway if they hadn't kicked him out. And even though James clapped him on the back and Sirius grinned and suggested a celebratory drink he could tell Remus _knew. _He wasn't surprised later, when he had just been lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, trembling with the almost sobs that he wouldn't let out, that Remus's head popped through the curtains. Neither of them spoke but Remus clambered across to sit next to him and knew that Sirius just needed him to be there. And he was.

It was different now. Now the tension between them was like a solid thing, a lumpy, difficult object that had grown and grown and was now too big to ignore because it threatened to suffocate them both. When Sirius thought of Remus's rejection (the whispered "Stop, please Sirius" still echoing through his entire body) he didn't feel the sharp pang, the sting of reality he had expected, it was just a dull ache that grew stronger, a pressure on his temples, like a migraine. He had already known he could never have Remus and this thought ran constantly through his mind with a repetitive thud but he had overestimated his control when faced with this closeness and had slipped up, a moment of weakness and now the confirmation that Remus found the idea of the two of them repellent only served to increase the throbbing in his head.

He could feel the heat from Remus's body, so close but untouchable. He longed for the days when he could sit happily in Moony's bed without these confusing feelings they would stay up late and talk and if Sirius reached out and touched Remus's sandy hair or delicate wrists it would be just because he felt like it not because he wanted to so much it was tearing him apart.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: Hello! Thanks to everyone whose been reading this and I hope you're enjoying it. Please review, this is my first fic and feedback would be appreciated. I intended to make this chapter less angsty than the other 2 but I can't seem to myself! I know you all love the angsting secretly.

Chapter 3

The following morning at breakfast one half of the marauders stared into their breakfasts with dark shadows under their red eyes. Peter remained ignorant of the awkward situation since his sausages had his undivided attention. James, being a bit more perceptive of the unresolved problems at the table, attempted to rouse them from their glum silence with a cheery promises of a trip to Zonkos tomorrow. He was met with a sigh from Remus, a grunt from Sirius and what sounded like "Frrnghhphsh" from a large piece of bacon with a small boy attached to it.

James Potter frowned to himself. This day was not getting off to a good start, his cheek was stinging and bore a pink, decidedly Lily's hand-shaped mark, her latest rejection still ringing in his ears, and now this. James knew Sirius better than anyone and could read him like a book but this was something he'd never seen before, a mood he didn't recognize, which was odd, James knew Sirius's moods almost off by heart but this was one he could not interpret and it troubled him. This new facet of Sirius's personality was alien to him and it was as though he was having breakfast with a stranger.

He caught Sirius's eye and raised one eyebrow in question: _what's wrong?_ Sirius frowned and shook his head, then tilted it to one side and lowered his chin: _don't ask. I'll tell you later._ James was comforted to know that although he wasn't sure what was wrong he and Sirius still had that easy connection which meant they could communicate through facial expressions alone.

Their first lesson was History of Magic which meant Sirius spent the entire lesson gazing longingly at the back of Remus's head. He admired the way the tawny locks twisted around each other and shone golden as they caught the autumn sun. Sirius glanced at the clock, he had spent half an hour appreciating Remus's hair. An hour to go. He moved onto Remus's neck.

After an hour of appreciating the sinew-y goodness that was Remus's neck and shoulders the bell went and the class emitted a huge sigh of relief and began to make their way to the door. Sirius felt a little edgy after that particular Inspection-of-Whichever-Angle-of-Remus-Was-Presented-to-Him (as he so catchily called it). Remus's stiff, hunched shoulders had practically radiated tension as he scribbled notes furiously. Sirius had always rolled his eyes at this note taking and jokingly suggested that Moony was trying his hardest write energetically enough to make up for the fact that everyone else was sleeping. Sirius grinned as he remembered the way Remus had flashed him a smile and punched him softly on the arm when he said that.

They had a free period next and Remus trotted off in the direction of the library mumbling rune translations under his breath. Peter, James and Sirius set off towards the Gryffindor common room. They dislodged some second years from their favourite spot next to the fireplace and sank heavily into the comfy armchairs. James turned his gaze to Sirius who groaned ever so quietly to himself because he knew what was coming.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on?"

He let out a deep sigh, "Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"It's just… with Moony, I dunno. I feel like. Well I don't know what I feel like. I worry about him that's all."

James pondered this information for a few minutes, considering how to handle the situation. He reckoned pointing out Sirius's obvious feelings for moony in front of the whole of Gryffindor was probably not a smart move so he settled for "He does seem a but stressed"

Sirius involuntarily leaned forward slightly at this and although he tried to pass it off as stretching James knew. "Has he said anything to you?" Sirius asked, feigning indifference.

"Nah, I'm sure he'll be fine, nearly 'that time of the month' after all" said James, sniggering, "Just act normal and he will, if you act weird around him he'll be more weird" he added wisely.

Sirius grinned at his best friend, he made it sound so simple. _Right, act normal_, thought Sirius to himself, _that could be a problem. Normal will not involve fantasizing about Moony. Definitely not._ With this thought Sirius cast his gaze around the room, he spotted his little fan club of giggling girls a few feet away and picked out a tall girl with golden hair. He caught her eye and shot her a roguish wink trying to recall her name, _Helena? Melissa? Bethany? _She sauntered over to him, her eyes not leaving his face.

"Mind if I sit down?" she asked as she sunk into Remus's chair, the one next to Sirius. Sirius gave her one of his patented looks and said suggestively "That chair, looks a little lonely, why don't you come sit here with me". She giggled and perched on the arm of Sirius's chair, they exchanged flirtatious looks and whispers until Sirius snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her into his lap.

Remus clambered through the portrait hole, his arms full of books, to the sight of Sirius with a girl sprawled all over him, whispering suggestively in her ear. Remus turned bright red and a book slipped from his pile, he rushed up to the dormitory, not stopping to pick it up.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors note: thank you to everyone who has reviewed, your encouragement means a lot to me and inspires me to keep writing! Hope you like this chapter, it's the longest and my favourite so far. I have a thing for writing about Remus and Sirius sleeping so I hope you'll forgive me if I do it excessively. Also be proud of me! I managed to successfully write a chapter with no angsting! (I think) Anyway please review!

Chapter 4

Sirius remained oblivious to Remus's speedy exit and continued to whisper stupid things into the girl's ear but as he buried his face in her golden curls he closed his eyes and thought of Moony. He tried to block out the high pitched giggle which grated at him and imagined it was Moony's hot breath on his cheek and Moony's hand fiddling with his collar. But it was no use, those hands were too soft to be Remus's, this waist too small, the hair too long as it tickled his chest.

Sirius had to get away from this soft-handed, small-waisted, long-haired girl as soon as possible, everything she did only reminded him she was not Moony. "Right", he announced, "I'm off to bed". She looked slightly put out but he patted her on the bum and flashed her one of his famous grins as he set up off the stairs to the dormitory and she rushed giggling and breathy over to her friends.

Sirius entered the dormitory to find Remus sitting on his bed reading. Sirius hesitated slightly before going and sitting down next to him. "I'm trying to read Padfoot", Remus's voice was curt. "I know" said Sirius softly "But would you mind if I just… sat here with you…for a little while." Remus looked suspiciously at Sirius but he was staring down at his hands, fiddling nervously with his sleeve. "Alright" said Remus, shifting over and lying down and resuming his reading. Sirius settled himself on the pillows and curled up in the warm blankets the smelled like Remus. He rested his cheek against Remus's stomach and before long Remus had forgotten he was angry and was absentmindedly stroking Sirius's hair. Sirius felt like purring, he looked up at Remus, "You've been reading that page for 10 minutes" he stated, "Shhh" said Remus as he listened to the sound of Sirius's breathing and stared at the same sentence he had been reading half an hour ago.

James and Peter came up to the dormitory after a game of exploding snap that left James with a large hole in the front of his jumper and Peter with only one eyebrow. They found Sirius and Remus in a tangle of limbs and sheets, both sleeping soundly with a book lying disregarded next to the pillow. Remus still had his fingers twined in Sirius's hair, Sirius had his arm slung across Remus's hips and held a fistful of his shirt. James and Peter looked at each other with raised eyebrows before slinking off silently to their own beds trying to make sense of what they had just seen.

Remus woke up the next morning with sunlight streaming across his face and a strange heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes, squinting in the light, and saw Sirius sprawled across him. He smiled to himself, Sirius was beautiful when he slept, he looked so calm. He was sure Sirius was deeply asleep so he ducked his head and dropped a quick kiss at the corner of his mouth. He felt deeply content lying there with Sirius and the feeling increased as he felt Sirius smile into his shoulder and snuggle closer to him. Remus wrapped his arms around the dark haired boy and before long he was asleep again.

When the two boys awoke again it was 11 o clock and they had missed breakfast. They glanced hesitantly at each other and grinned sheepishly. "Oops" said Sirius, not sounding as though he meant it at all, Remus grinned "Must have err, dozed off I suppose" he stated matter-of-factly.

"Are you still tired?" asked Sirius, his smile changing swiftly to an expression of concern, "its full moon tonight, do you want to go back to sleep?"

"No I'm alright, that was the best nights sleep I've had for ages", this comment made Sirius smirk and Remus blushed, realizing the implications of what he had just said.

"Well, I'm going to go and shower", Sirius grabbed a towel and sauntered off to the bathroom.

He got into the shower and leaned into the warm jet of water, sighing. Moony's words echoes in his mind; "That was the best nights sleep I've had for ages", the same was true for him. He couldn't remember ever waking up feeling so comfortable. He smiled as he remembered earlier, as he drifted somewhere between being asleep and awake, he had felt soft lips brush his own, only for a second and Remus's arms pull him closer. He knew it was only a dream but still, it was a nice one. He thought longingly of the bare patch of skin at the crook of Remus's neck where he had unbuttoned the top of his shirt, and where Sirius had nestled so comfortably. He pressed his hot face against the cool tiles of the shower stall and groaned to himself; "Christ. Even his _neck_ does it for me, this is ridiculous".

Once all four Marauders were in the common room Peter and James turned to Remus and Sirius who blushed and stared at the floor. James started, choosing his words carefully.

"So. This is the second time you two have slept in the same bed this week. Is there something you want to tell us?" his expression was searching but not angry or demanding. Sirius mumbled something and continued to stare resolutely at the floor, luckily Remus managed to pull himself together and say "We were talking quite late and we fell asleep, that's all" he said, his gaze was steady, daring them to contradict him. James and Peter exchanged knowing looks that said they were aware there was more to it than that, but said nothing.

James yawned at stretched out in his chair, "I can't be arsed to go to Hogsmeade, fancy sitting out by the lake?" the other three nodded their agreement and they made their way to their favourite spot under the huge oak on the bank and sank down in the shade smiling happily as they prepared to spend the rest of the day in the dappled sunlight, talking and joking and generally feeling at peace with the world.


	5. Chapter 5

Authors note: Hello again! I'm aware that not much has actually happened in the previous chapters but I promise something will happen in this one (wink wink). I'm not sure whether to finish this fic here or not, I did have some other scenes I was planning to write but this chapter seems to have wrapped it up rather nicely and feels like a nice ending. I could use my other ideas in another a fic or I could continue this one, please let me know what you think!

Thanks to those of you who reviewed, you are lovely and please continue to review it makes me happy! I would love to hear your thoughts and advice.

I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter 5

Remus smiled to himself. He didn't feel exhausted and tense like he usually did the day of a full moon, just pleasantly sleepy. He tuned out the sound of Pete, James and Sirius chattering about trips to Hogsmeade, new pranks, how long their Transfiguration homework was and new plots to convince Lily Evans to go out with Prongs. Instead he concentrated on the sound of the rustling leaves above his head, the twinkling of the sunlight on the surface of the lake and the feel of the dappled shade on his face.

Sirius sat next to him, talking animatedly, laughing at some joke of James's. He had rolled up his sleeves showing his tanned forearms, silky hair tapering down to surprisingly delicate wrists, his top 3 buttons were undone and he had loosened his tie exposing his gloriously smooth throat. He was the antithesis of Moony, his skin was brown and smooth whereas Remus's was pale and scarred, he was scruffy where Remus's was neat, his hair long and straight, Remus's short and wavy, but Remus thought he looked divine. A bead of sweat trickled down his neck from under his ear and Moony had to fight the urge to lean over and follow the trail it made with his tongue.

He felt his eyes drifting shut and the sun made colours behind his eyelids, he squeezed them tight and watched the patterns dissolve to a coloured splodge when he squinted at the sun. He succumbed to his increasing drowsiness and lost himself in a sweet daydream.

He dreamt of being in an empty classroom with Sirius in the summer, the sun streaming through the window highlighted the dust but they didn't seem to notice. Remus lay on his bare stomach on the sun-warmed floorboards in front of the window. The floor was new and the boards were creamy white, the sun drawing resin from the golden knots, he squashed one of the sticky droplets with his fingernail, inhaling the strong smell of pine. Sirius walked over to him and rubbed a hand lazily over his naked back, Remus smiled and turned over so Sirius was caressing his torso, running his hands over the lightly muscled flesh. Sirius's eyes were dark with desire, his pupils dilated as he fixed Moony with a smoldering stare and pulled him into a furious kiss. Their lips crashed together and Remus was soon breathing heavily, light-headed with arousal. Sirius grabbed his hips, aligning their erections and as he ground into him Moony let out a sound that could only be described as a growl. Sirius pressed their lips together once more, tongues tangling, each exploring the warm cavern of the other's mouth.

As the dream Sirius was licking a path down Remus's chest the actual Sirius was feeling distinctly uncomfortable. James and Peter had left for a quick trip to the kitchens and Sirius was left with a sleeping Moony, not that he minded at all but Remus's chosen pillow happened to be Sirius's lap. The combination of the sounds he was making and the fact that his head was in rather close proximity to Sirius's crotch was making it very difficult for Sirius to hide the fact that his feelings for Remus were not purely platonic. It was when Remus let out a soft growl _(a growl! He actually growled! Sweet Merlin help me)_ and breathed out heavily into Sirius's lap that Sirius lost it and felt all the blood from his head rushing southwards. _Oh no, oh no, oh no! Oh god! Dumbledore in a bikini! Dumbledore in a bikini! Dumbledore in a bikini!_ He felt a sharp metallic tang on his tongue when he realized he was biting his lip so hard that it was bleeding. As soon as he felt his arousal subside he shook Remus slightly more roughly than was necessary.

Upon his rude awakening Remus looked up to find Sirius staring down on him in a way that was not dissimilar from his dream, even the same dark, aroused expression but he convinced himself it was just the lingering traces of the dream that made him see that. He realized Sirius was blushing. Blushing! Sirius Black! Then he realized the nature of his dream must have been slightly more obvious than he had thought. Both boys straightened themselves up and self consciously crossed their legs. Remus's hair was tousled and he had flushed a deep crimson. Sirius bit his lip again at the sight of a flustered and slightly disheveled Moony within arms reach. Remus spoke, his voice still husky with sleep, "You're bleeding" he said and reached out to Sirius, wiping the smear of blood away with the pad of his thumb. He let his hand there longer than was necessary, his palm against Sirius's cheek and his thumb on Sirius's lip. When he made to pull his hand away Sirius caught his wrist and without breaking eye contact, slowly and deliberately licked Remus's hand from his wrist across his palm to the tip of his middle finger.

There was a sharp intake of breath from both sides as they realized what had just happened. Sirius stared into Remus's eyes and where he had expected to see repulsion, he saw relief and desire. Remus moved his hand from Sirius's cheek to the back his neck and pulled him close until their faces were mere millimeters apart. "Oh, Moony" Sirius whispered huskily, as he bridged the gap between their lips and kissed him. The kiss was sweet and gentle, it was like a question, but before long Sirius's tongue pressed against Remus's lips, Remus granted him entrance eagerly and soon the boys were lying on the ground kissing passionately, their limbs tangled, their tongues eagerly exploring each other's mouths. When they finally broke apart Remus rested his head on Sirius's chest and sighed happily.

"How long have you know?" Remus asked tentatively,

"Ages, you?"

"Since third year. I never thought you would…"

"Me neither" Sirius laughed

They lapsed into companionable silence, they were holding hands and Sirius languidly stroked Remus's back. They both felt happier than they could remember, knowing that finally, they were complete.


End file.
